I love my parents, but they were never really a model for a healthy marriage, or a healthy interpersonal relationship for that matter. This I pieced together at a rather young age. But I also figured out that there were lessons to be learned from their behavior – mostly things not to do in a relationship. But knowing what not to do and knowing what else to do instead are two separate matters. To fill in some of those blanks, TV seemed to provide some modicum of answers (and was an easy place to retreat from the drama around me anyway), though I have to attribute most of my success to my current and long-time partner.
Here are some of the key lessons I’ve taken from them:
- Be honest. This seems simple, but it also seems often overlooked. Relationships require trust, and trust is not fostered through lies and hiding things. Eventually the truth comes out and with it anger, frustration, grief, and distrust. Or, in the context of sitcoms, the truth comes out in a comically bad way and only manages to crater the relationship until things get resolved just before the last commercial break.
- But not brutally honest. While being truthful is important, feelings matter too. And some truths hurt. If there’s nothing to be gained by sharing something, and not sharing that something will cause no harm to your partner, let it be (e.g., if one of your friends made some sexist or racist “joke” or commentary that would piss your partner off, especially if he/she doesn’t like that friend anyway, then maybe don’t relay that story – also if it didn’t piss you off, that may be worth reflection). TV likes to make you think these will also result in similar hijinks to the relationship lie, but there are gray areas.
- Be independent, not codependent. This is one that my parents actually do well, but not for the right reasons. I’d long appreciated that my parents had independent interests that they would selectively share with each other, but it’s only been in adulthood that I could fully appreciate that this is partially because they don’t actually like each other that much. But when I would seek out healthier relationship dynamics on television, this was one of the traits that healthy TV couples seemed to share with my parents – e.g., the parents on Family Ties or Growing Pains or good couples like Paul & Jamie on Mad About You. My wife and I are fairly independent people with our own interests and friends while also being each others best friends.
- Communicate. My parents barely do this. And when they do, it’s often caustic (usually mostly from one side). There is a good few decades of unresolved tension there that will likely continue until one of them kicks the bucket. And I know better than to try and fix it. There was a time when I was young where I thought I could inject some sense into the mix when things got heated, but I learned quickly that that doesn’t work. Hot heads are thick and slow to cool or see reason. And bottling up bits of contention will only lead to heat buildup such that there will be a last straw. Have hard conversations when you are cool-headed enough to not say things you’ll regret. Also, part of good communication is sometimes shutting up and listening (something at least one of my parents is decidedly not good at).
- Appreciate your partner. I cannot stress how important this is (even though it’s a trait I still struggle to deliver on with consistency). While my parents definitely consider each other and each others opinions and feelings, I can’t say there’s a strong consistency to it guiding their actions. At times it seemed like my one parent would do things in spite of the other’s feelings. And while they get each other gifts for the appropriate holidays, those gifts are about as personal and considerate as a semi-randomly ordered electronic device or gag-gift can be. But my TV families (and my wife) taught me better – relationships don’t require constant presence, but appreciation of their value and worth both in presence and absence. While a strong relationship shouldn’t feel like work, there’s work to be done to maintain it. When we commit to it, we’re committing that the other person is worth the effort as the value the relationship delivers greatly outweighs that cost. So it’s key to remind your partner from time to time that you still value them. This doesn’t explicitly mean flowers or chocolates for Valentine’s Day or your anniversary – celebrating your relationship should be something you want to do, not something you feel obligated to do. Whether it’s those milestones or just any given weeknight, you should want to show them how much you appreciate them, and you should do so in a way that shows you know them as a person.
- Trust your partner. Jealousy and suspicion are ugly emotions – ones I was thankfully never good at. They are fed by seeds of doubt. I can’t say that I’ve ever seen jealousy in my parents’ relationship, but suspicion – often wildly conspiratorial in nature and without any real foundation – was not an uncommon catalyst to a fight between them. I didn’t really learn what jealousy tasted like until one of my girlfriends got the idea to take root. But I learned quickly that I didn’t like it, and I didn’t see a place for it in a good relationship. I never saw it between Steven and Elyse Keaton or Jason and Maggie Seaver. And it rarely came up between Paul & Jamie Buchman despite both of them frequently crossing paths with members of the opposite sex including exes. So why should it be something I have to deal with. If you’re in the right relationship with the right foundations of trust, you shouldn’t. And I don’t. As such, I can laugh when my wife tells me that someone cautioned her male friend that there are rumors about them having an affair, or when she accidentally calls me Zack. And she can laugh at me when I show her a blog post comment I got from an ex, or tell her that I accidentally kissed a coworker’s hair. (yes, all of those things have happened.) And neither of us have had to explain ourselves after spending the evening drinking with coworkers or friends of mixed company. When you have that trust and you appreciate that relationship, you don’t want to do anything to break or jeopardize it.
None of these should be startling lessons in themselves – these are fundamentals. But in hindsight it is surprising how few of these were strongly present in my own prime example for relationship dynamics, and yet only a couple of them took relationship experience to learn. It didn’t take me multiple tries to learn that trust and honesty were important or that there was a healthy balance between complete independence and unhealthy codependency. My wife can attest to the fact that I’m still learning the right balance with communication and showing of appreciation, but she also knows that I care enough to want to do better and that it won’t happen without her communicating with me and being appreciative when I get it right.
The bottom line is that bringing the baggage of your parents’ relationship to your own is a choice – you could repeat the sins of your past, or you could learn from them and be better.