bentangle

I’m a foodie.  I like to eat, I like to experiment with cooking, and when there is nothing else to watch the Food Network is my natural time filler.  And one thing that I’ve noticed on the Food Network lately is a number of shows highlighting brussel sprouts as a side dish and doing anything but steaming/boiling them.  Due to my parents’ shared dislike of the, I never had either the pleasure or misfortune of eating them as a kid and thus far it hasn’t really come up as an adult.

Until now.

After noting yet another show where oven-broiled sprouts was on the menu, I mentioned to my wife that it might be interesting to try it (she HAS had them, but it had been decades).  Fast forward to the next day and my wife is IM’ing me at work to let me know that dinner will be chicken and brussel sprouts.  Fast forward another hour later and I’m home with a full plate including a nice juicy chicken breast and a generous helping of slightly charred little balls of green.

I have to say that I did in fact like them a lot.  They tasted like little grilled cabbages – not too pungent, not too bland, just enough salt and a slightly nutty flavor.  On the down side, my kids did not seem nearly as thrilled with them (which is a bit odd as they both LOVE broccoli and cauliflower).  So the likelihood of this veggie being in regular rotation is fairly low.  Ah well.  At least I gave it a shot.

I don’t plan to die (at least if I can help it).  Don’t get me wrong – I know that odds are strongly in favor of me eventually kicking the bucket.  But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.  Plus I think science may someday have my back on this one.  This may seem an odd assertion and indeed an odd topic, but it is an issue that came up recently in a conversation of hypotheticals that apparently left my wife wondering at my sanity.

So there was this quiz.  And in this quiz, one of the questions was if you had the choice, how would you die and why.  Giving the matter some thought, I decided that if all other things being equal – my death being unavoidable but having complete control over how it would happen – it might be interesting to indulge my own sense of curiosity in the process.  Sure there are lots of quick and painless ways to die and truly I would be happiest not having to suffer when my time comes, but I felt to choose something so mundane was a disservice to the question at hand.  Thus, I answered that I’d prefer to be beheaded so that I could personally find an answer to the mystery of how long one could remain conscious and cognizant after such an event.  Okay, I’ll admit that it sounds pretty crazy.  But I’m a curious person – I am interested in the mysteries of the universe.

Anyway, death is a strange and touchy subject.  Everyone has their own ideas about what death means and when death is appropriate.  Personally I’ve decided that I’m not a fan of the death penalty but I am a fan of euthanasia.  I figure that if an upstanding citizen is suffering and death is inevitable yet slightly out of reach, a little help is not too much to ask.  But killing a serial rapist is not justice – the punishment doesn’t nearly fit the crime (though some time in the right prisons on the wrong rung of that social ladder might be fitting punishment).  Is that too “an eye for an eye”?  Maybe.

Perhaps it is my beliefs that have me such at odds with common views of death (taking heaven and hell out of the picture certainly can lead to that).  In general I think that we place too much importance on death (or more pointedly on life) – whether our lives have a deeper meaning or not, they are gifts to be cherished or squandered as we each choose.  None of us will every truly get it perfectly right.  I say live and let live or die, make the most of the time we have, and don’t waste our time worrying so much about whose unprovable ideas are most right.  We will all get proven right or wrong in the end … well except me – I’m not planning to die.  There is too much of the world to experience to fit it in a century or less.

I remember a time before I had kids when I would sleep in on the weekends until 10 or 11 – sometimes later.  I recall days when I could stay up until 3 in the morning and still be able to function semi-normally the next day.  It seems that those times are in the past.  No matter when the kids go to bed, they are inevitably up by 8am a the latest (including the weekends).  And if I’m up past 1am, I’m usually groggy for half the next day.  And yet I put my kids to bed at 8pm and stay up until midnight almost every day.  I know I should go to bed sooner so I can get a full night’s sleep.  But after getting up with the kids, going to work, coming home to the family and putting the kids to bed, I need some time just for me.  So I take it … sleep will be there when I need it.

Okay, in hindsight I probably should not have kicked off this meme with a list about an ex-girlfriend … a week before my wedding anniversary.  Granted, my wife is my best friend and this is not an area of discomfort or strife, but some things are better left unspoken – which is one of the things I will get into in this weeks list:  5 things that have made our marriage work (who knows, they may work for you as well).  I’m writing this today because in 2 days my wife and I will be celebrating our 12th wedding anniversary.  After all this time, I feel just as close and in love with my wife as ever.  So without further ado, here is my list (I’m sure she will have some points of contention, but this is MY list, not hers):

1. Trust:  While this seems to be a no-brainer, I’ve seen (and been in) too many relationships that lacked a good foundation of trust.  If you cannot trust your partner, than it puts distance between you.  What is important to note about trust is that it is not the same thing as honesty, but if it goes both ways then honesty will naturally be there.  With weak trust, you can end up with jealousy, guilt, and suspicion which can lead to lying, anger, and vindictive behavior.  I trust my wife and I know she trusts me.  As a result, I don’t feel the need to hide things from her or worry that she is hiding anything from me.  Trust also makes for more open conversation – for instance trust allowed me to tell my wife that I accidentally kissed a co-worker’s hair (she cracked up over it) and trust allows me not to be concerned about the guy from high school that she is still friends with who always had a crush on her.
2. Respect:  Again, this should be a given, but again, I’ve seen many relationships that were missing this element and it usually ends badly.  You and your partner need to be equal peers in the relationship and respect each others rights and wishes.  If you don’t treat your partner as an equal, the relationship will never have balance and is bound for strife.  Also, as important as respect for each other is respect for oneself.  Also, respect for your partner can also equal omission – for instance, my wife had no issue with the fact that I went to a strip club for my bachelor party (she trusts me), but to have photographic evidence of it that she happened upon a year or two later she was less happy about.  Out of respect, I should not have kept that (accessible).
3. Identity:  A common flaw in logic in many relationships is the belief that you can make your partner what you want them to be – that what they are is a potential that you can steer in the right direction.  The truth is that what you see is what you get, so if you don’t like what you see then walk away.  In order for a relationship to work, each member needs to maintain his/her own identity.  This is not to say that there is no dependence, but the dependence that is there should be to support each other’s identities and help each other reach their own potential (it can be encouraged, but not forced).  A good sense of identity has allowed my wife and I to occasionally go out to the movies and see separate movies.
4. Patience:  Any relationship will at times test the limits of its members in many ways, and most often will test one’s patience with the other.  You have to realize that no matter how compatible, you and your partner are different people who led different lives and have different goals and ideas.  At times those differences will put you and your partner at odds with each other.  It is important to be patient with the rate at which your partner grows and evolves.  Just as you each have independent hopes and dreams, you have independent fears and insecurities.  And as much as you may find yourself wanting to tell them to snap out of them and move on, it isn’t always that simple.  There are likely such issues your partner is thinking the same about you.  Impatience leads to intolerance and frustration.  My wife’s patience has allowed me to take my time working out my career path (and it was a long and winding road – believe me).
5. Levity:  While this is last in my list, it is certainly not the least.  It is really as simple as this – if you cannot laugh with your partner, then you may as well start crying.  Everyone has their own brand of relationship jest – my parents use insults, my wife and I use sarcasm … and to an extent insults as well (they work so well and come so easily sometimes).  So long as your humor maintains the lines of trust and respect without treading on each other’s identities or revealing gaps in patience, then it is hard to go wrong (unless you just aren’t funny – can’t help you there).  My wife and I often mix jabs of sarcasm as well as self-deprication into most things we do together.  Maybe it is a warped perspective, but I feel that you can only really insult those you respect – otherwise you are just being mean.

Wow, that ended up being a lot longer than I intended.  If you are still reading, I’m sorry about that.  I hope that this proved to be interesting/insightful/thought-provoking.  If so, feel free to share your thoughts – even if it is to say that it sucks (I’m open to levity).

They are too few and too far between, but this evening I took my wife out to dinner.  We considered extending the evening by going to see a movie, but after paying the bill for our fancy dinner, we decided to call it a night.  But it was at least nice to eat a meal together where we could eat and converse without outbursts, interruptions, or the frustrations of getting our children to sit still and eat something.

The reasons that we don’t do such things more often are many, but here is the short list:  lack of time, lack of money, and lack of available sitters.  On the issue of time, there simply doesn’t seem to be enough of it lately.  I often don’t get home from work until 7PM, occasionally have to do more work in the evenings and weekends once I’m home, and the free time that we have together is always busy doing things as a family.  We are lucky to manage to sit and eat three meals in a day at all none the less together and with significant planning.  As for money, a single income only stretches so far.  My wife is very sensible and frugal and stretches every dollar she has an opportunity to spend.  But with a mortgage and 2 car payments, our entertainment fund is nearly non-existent.  Finally, sitters – we have yet to actually procure paid sitter services.  I know that there are sites where you can find and contact local and reputable sitters, but neither of us have the time to vet one properly and that would also have to come out of the entertainment fund.  We do have access to some free sitter services, but schedules rarely align properly.

But tonight, things seemed to align – we had a willing (and free) sitter available, the kids were in good spirits, it was a nice day … and we had a coupon.  So we got dressed up (ish) and headed out to a nice little Italian place (the kind with a fairly short menu and very few pasta dishes on it).  We had a pleasant conversation along with good food from appetizers to dessert.  And now that we have done so, my wife can feel less guilty next weekend when she leaves me with the kids to go camping with her girlfriends … on our anniversary (our 12th – what is that, silk?  I can’t think of any camping items that should be made of silk).  I kid – no guilt necessary.  It is just a day after all.  We celebrate the marriage every day.  And the milestone will be no less important apart.

Hopefully we will make the time to go out more often in the future.  Only time will tell.  But expect to see more entries this week relating to my significant other and related topic.  In retrospect, as important a part of my life as she is, I probably should be writing more along those lines all the time.  The sentiments are there, just the expression seems too few and too far between.  I’ll have to work on that.