Friday 5: Formula for 12 Years and Counting

Okay, in hindsight I probably should not have kicked off this meme with a list about an ex-girlfriend … a week before my wedding anniversary.  Granted, my wife is my best friend and this is not an area of discomfort or strife, but some things are better left unspoken – which is one of the things I will get into in this weeks list:  5 things that have made our marriage work (who knows, they may work for you as well).  I’m writing this today because in 2 days my wife and I will be celebrating our 12th wedding anniversary.  After all this time, I feel just as close and in love with my wife as ever.  So without further ado, here is my list (I’m sure she will have some points of contention, but this is MY list, not hers):

1. Trust:  While this seems to be a no-brainer, I’ve seen (and been in) too many relationships that lacked a good foundation of trust.  If you cannot trust your partner, than it puts distance between you.  What is important to note about trust is that it is not the same thing as honesty, but if it goes both ways then honesty will naturally be there.  With weak trust, you can end up with jealousy, guilt, and suspicion which can lead to lying, anger, and vindictive behavior.  I trust my wife and I know she trusts me.  As a result, I don’t feel the need to hide things from her or worry that she is hiding anything from me.  Trust also makes for more open conversation – for instance trust allowed me to tell my wife that I accidentally kissed a co-worker’s hair (she cracked up over it) and trust allows me not to be concerned about the guy from high school that she is still friends with who always had a crush on her.
2. Respect:  Again, this should be a given, but again, I’ve seen many relationships that were missing this element and it usually ends badly.  You and your partner need to be equal peers in the relationship and respect each others rights and wishes.  If you don’t treat your partner as an equal, the relationship will never have balance and is bound for strife.  Also, as important as respect for each other is respect for oneself.  Also, respect for your partner can also equal omission – for instance, my wife had no issue with the fact that I went to a strip club for my bachelor party (she trusts me), but to have photographic evidence of it that she happened upon a year or two later she was less happy about.  Out of respect, I should not have kept that (accessible).
3. Identity:  A common flaw in logic in many relationships is the belief that you can make your partner what you want them to be – that what they are is a potential that you can steer in the right direction.  The truth is that what you see is what you get, so if you don’t like what you see then walk away.  In order for a relationship to work, each member needs to maintain his/her own identity.  This is not to say that there is no dependence, but the dependence that is there should be to support each other’s identities and help each other reach their own potential (it can be encouraged, but not forced).  A good sense of identity has allowed my wife and I to occasionally go out to the movies and see separate movies.
4. Patience:  Any relationship will at times test the limits of its members in many ways, and most often will test one’s patience with the other.  You have to realize that no matter how compatible, you and your partner are different people who led different lives and have different goals and ideas.  At times those differences will put you and your partner at odds with each other.  It is important to be patient with the rate at which your partner grows and evolves.  Just as you each have independent hopes and dreams, you have independent fears and insecurities.  And as much as you may find yourself wanting to tell them to snap out of them and move on, it isn’t always that simple.  There are likely such issues your partner is thinking the same about you.  Impatience leads to intolerance and frustration.  My wife’s patience has allowed me to take my time working out my career path (and it was a long and winding road – believe me).
5. Levity:  While this is last in my list, it is certainly not the least.  It is really as simple as this – if you cannot laugh with your partner, then you may as well start crying.  Everyone has their own brand of relationship jest – my parents use insults, my wife and I use sarcasm … and to an extent insults as well (they work so well and come so easily sometimes).  So long as your humor maintains the lines of trust and respect without treading on each other’s identities or revealing gaps in patience, then it is hard to go wrong (unless you just aren’t funny – can’t help you there).  My wife and I often mix jabs of sarcasm as well as self-deprication into most things we do together.  Maybe it is a warped perspective, but I feel that you can only really insult those you respect – otherwise you are just being mean.

Wow, that ended up being a lot longer than I intended.  If you are still reading, I’m sorry about that.  I hope that this proved to be interesting/insightful/thought-provoking.  If so, feel free to share your thoughts – even if it is to say that it sucks (I’m open to levity).