I remember a time before I had kids when I would sleep in on the weekends until 10 or 11 – sometimes later. I recall days when I could stay up until 3 in the morning and still be able to function semi-normally the next day. It seems that those times are in the past. No matter when the kids go to bed, they are inevitably up by 8am a the latest (including the weekends). And if I’m up past 1am, I’m usually groggy for half the next day. And yet I put my kids to bed at 8pm and stay up until midnight almost every day. I know I should go to bed sooner so I can get a full night’s sleep. But after getting up with the kids, going to work, coming home to the family and putting the kids to bed, I need some time just for me. So I take it … sleep will be there when I need it.
Category: Homefront
The Blues
I shouldn’t find this all that new and surprising – these phases are normal. But I don’t remember it being so over-powerfing when it happened a few years ago when I daughter was about 2. With young kids running circles around you, it is hard to fight these things and there is little point in trying to hide it – I have the blues. By this I mean the Blue’s Clues blues.
My daughter went through a phase where it was her favorite show. It is a pretty clever show, and unlike some others geared towards that age bracket, it is easy to watch with the kids. So I often would watch it with her. Now that my son is 2 1/2 and developing his own preferences, he has discovered a love for Blue and her pals. And in the process my wife, my daughter and I are getting reacquainted.
My son delights in the show. He sings along with every song. He imitates everything that Steve or Joe do. And even when he isn’t watching it, he references it in most things he does from skidoo-ing out of the car to the sidewalk to pretending an old greeting card is ‘a letter from our friends’. And I think that to some extent it has been encouraging him to be more polite in the things he does.
My daughter and I have used it as a point of conversation. We’ve discussed the relationship and pseudo-drama of the Steve-Joe switch (she has decided that she likes Joe better – I had felt that way before, but I’ve been gaining new-found respect for Steve). We’ve reveled in noticing the artistic minutia that is peppered in there for the non-target audience (such as the ever-changing artwork in the living room). And I’ve also used it as a platform to help her understand animation and entertainment in general (separating the characters from the reality).
My wife and I try not to over-expose the kids to these things – we know that they should have limits to the amount of TV they watch. But when they wake at 7AM every morning and can’t keep from being under-toe at every meal preparation, it is a crutch that is easy to lean on to give us the space or rest that we need to be sane enough to keep up with them the rest of the time.
What is funny about the show is how well it works and how well it will likely continue to work for years to come. The show is now over ten years old and has not aired a new episode in several years. And yet it still remains in Noggin’s heavy program rotation. I also recently saw a 10-year behind the clues special that revealed some interesting factoids about the show and its origins (e.g., the show’s original design was to be a game-show for toddlers, Blue was initially a cat, Mr. Salt was supposed to have a Brooklyn accent but it somehow got shifted to French).
So at 33, I’m still learning a few new tricks from a not-so-young puppy – and bonding with my kids at the same time (you can bond over a show – it counts, I looked it up). Without a doubt, I once again have the Blue’s Clues blues … and it makes me smile.
Friday 5: From the Mouths of Babes
Kids can say surprising things – from hilarious to awe-inspiring. Here are a few recent gems from my clan:
- From 5yo daughter – “Wouldn’t it be cool if dogs could talk – not just communicate, but talk like people do?”
- From 2yo son regarding a nearby pet store with a paw print logo – “Let’s go to Blue’s Clues store.”
- From 5yo while walking in a stream and talking about the animals that live in the stream under the rocks – “So am I squishing all their houses right now?”
- My wife recently had another MRSA-infected cut so we had to go through decontamination. While swabbing my daughter’s nostrils with an antibiotic salve, my son pipes up “I want white boogers, too!”
- From daughter – “Mommy, I love you ten. But Daddy, I love you eleven.” (she has always been a daddy’s girl)
Happy Anniversary to my Down-to-Earth Bride
Rise and shine – it is the dawn of a new day! At least the sun is technically on its way up. I’d like to have slept later, but my 2-year-old son scrambling up the stairs to my room prevent that from happening … much like my responsibilities 12 years ago. I had to be up at the crack of dawn to drive all the way to the church to drop off the license and stop at the soon-to-be-in-laws to drop something off for my fiancee before heading out with the guys to get our tuxes. Upon returning to my apartment (almost all my groomsmen slept at my place), I have to practically jump on each of them to get them into gear … much as my son is now jumping on me – but only long enough to get over me and snuggle in-between my wife and I. He is all smiles and fully recharged ready to take on the world. We take him downstairs and get him some milk and something to eat and veg out on the couch while he watches a show with breakfast.
Later, his 5-year-old sister makes her way out of her room and downstairs to join us. Before she reaches the bottom there are already a series of questions such as ‘What is he watching?’, ‘Did he eat breakfast yet?’, ‘Do I have school today?’. I’m barely awake and she is already in a rush to figure out what the day is going to bring … 12 years earlier I’m rushing – rushing from the mall to make it to the church on time. I get there and get dressed in time to greet a few people arriving early only to be nearly knocked off the sidewalk by my future in-laws pulling up barking for me to get inside as the bride is almost here (which is odd since it is at least a half-hour until the wedding is supposed to start). So I and my second head inside and are cloistered to the priest’s office adjacent to the alter – as I jog up the aisle to get there, I notice the table in front of the alter has a tapestry hanging from it with a fish in the middle. While waiting impatiently in the office, the weight of this day starts to hit me … now the weight of my son sitting on my chest starts to wear on my patience so I suggest some breakfast and get to making something (though mostly a mess).
After an enjoyable breakfast (with its share of distractions and escape attempts) and some much needed coffee, my wife and I start thinking about what we should do … I do – that is what I plan to say, what I’ve been waiting to say. And now with that moment just moments away I start to clam up a bit. As I work on focusing myself, I remind myself that I’m not afraid of the marriage – I’m looking forward to that – but the wedding. I’m marrying my best friend and confidante. The anxiety and fear I feel are all about going out there in front of some 100+ people and trying to make it through an hour(ish) of loosely rehearsed ritual without looking like an idiot. Focusing on the goal, I find some peace and calm and bottle up the anxiety for later. And with that, the ceremony breezes by – it is funny how fast your own wedding seems in comparison to everyone else’s. Other weddings seem to drag on … my son is dragging a chair across the room so that he can reach the lock on the door to go outside.
The weather is nice, so we let them out back to play for a while (give us some time to relax, maybe do some writing). Occasionally there are some shouts about sharing the swing or where it is appropriate to dig, but generally they are having a good time … 12 years prior, people were having a good time at the reception. After my new father-in-law did wedding party introductions (many of which were padded with their role in helping set up the keg for this event) and a very good buffet meal (made by Mennonites), we got to the dancing. Our reception was about as cheap as they come – rented tent and tables in the in-laws’ back yard, buffet catered for $8 a plate, and music a la a borrowed 50-disc changer filled with our CD collection. We had a list of about 50 songs to play, but every time got to about 20-22 songs into programming it, it would lose everything. So we stopped at 20 and went with requests from there on (I think that “Bobby McGee” got played about 7 times) … after about the eighth time of telling the kids not to put dirt on the slide, we decide to move on to the rest of our plans for the day (and hide the shovels). I give my wife her anniversary gift which she is surprised by and asks me how I paid for it (she is that practical). I whisper into my daughter’s ear to tell her mom ‘happy anniversary’ and as she does with a big smile and then her brother parrots the sentiment and they both charge in to hug my wife, I know that there is no where that I’d rather be.
After twelve years, my wife is still my best friend in the world. And the only love I’ve every felt that compares is what I feel for my two children. I cannot imagine my life without my family and I plan to continue to enjoy their company for decades to come. I can only hope that this past 12 years has simply been the dawn of a beautiful era of my life.
Friday 5: Formula for 12 Years and Counting
Okay, in hindsight I probably should not have kicked off this meme with a list about an ex-girlfriend … a week before my wedding anniversary. Granted, my wife is my best friend and this is not an area of discomfort or strife, but some things are better left unspoken – which is one of the things I will get into in this weeks list: 5 things that have made our marriage work (who knows, they may work for you as well). I’m writing this today because in 2 days my wife and I will be celebrating our 12th wedding anniversary. After all this time, I feel just as close and in love with my wife as ever. So without further ado, here is my list (I’m sure she will have some points of contention, but this is MY list, not hers):
- Trust: While this seems to be a no-brainer, I’ve seen (and been in) too many relationships that lacked a good foundation of trust. If you cannot trust your partner, than it puts distance between you. What is important to note about trust is that it is not the same thing as honesty, but if it goes both ways then honesty will naturally be there. With weak trust, you can end up with jealousy, guilt, and suspicion which can lead to lying, anger, and vindictive behavior. I trust my wife and I know she trusts me. As a result, I don’t feel the need to hide things from her or worry that she is hiding anything from me. Trust also makes for more open conversation – for instance trust allowed me to tell my wife that I accidentally kissed a co-worker’s hair (she cracked up over it) and trust allows me not to be concerned about the guy from high school that she is still friends with who always had a crush on her.
- Respect: Again, this should be a given, but again, I’ve seen many relationships that were missing this element and it usually ends badly. You and your partner need to be equal peers in the relationship and respect each others rights and wishes. If you don’t treat your partner as an equal, the relationship will never have balance and is bound for strife. Also, as important as respect for each other is respect for oneself. Also, respect for your partner can also equal omission – for instance, my wife had no issue with the fact that I went to a strip club for my bachelor party (she trusts me), but to have photographic evidence of it that she happened upon a year or two later she was less happy about. Out of respect, I should not have kept that (accessible).
- Identity: A common flaw in logic in many relationships is the belief that you can make your partner what you want them to be – that what they are is a potential that you can steer in the right direction. The truth is that what you see is what you get, so if you don’t like what you see then walk away. In order for a relationship to work, each member needs to maintain his/her own identity. This is not to say that there is no dependence, but the dependence that is there should be to support each other’s identities and help each other reach their own potential (it can be encouraged, but not forced). A good sense of identity has allowed my wife and I to occasionally go out to the movies and see separate movies.
- Patience: Any relationship will at times test the limits of its members in many ways, and most often will test one’s patience with the other. You have to realize that no matter how compatible, you and your partner are different people who led different lives and have different goals and ideas. At times those differences will put you and your partner at odds with each other. It is important to be patient with the rate at which your partner grows and evolves. Just as you each have independent hopes and dreams, you have independent fears and insecurities. And as much as you may find yourself wanting to tell them to snap out of them and move on, it isn’t always that simple. There are likely such issues your partner is thinking the same about you. Impatience leads to intolerance and frustration. My wife’s patience has allowed me to take my time working out my career path (and it was a long and winding road – believe me).
- Levity: While this is last in my list, it is certainly not the least. It is really as simple as this – if you cannot laugh with your partner, then you may as well start crying. Everyone has their own brand of relationship jest – my parents use insults, my wife and I use sarcasm … and to an extent insults as well (they work so well and come so easily sometimes). So long as your humor maintains the lines of trust and respect without treading on each other’s identities or revealing gaps in patience, then it is hard to go wrong (unless you just aren’t funny – can’t help you there). My wife and I often mix jabs of sarcasm as well as self-deprication into most things we do together. Maybe it is a warped perspective, but I feel that you can only really insult those you respect – otherwise you are just being mean.
Wow, that ended up being a lot longer than I intended. If you are still reading, I’m sorry about that. I hope that this proved to be interesting/insightful/thought-provoking. If so, feel free to share your thoughts – even if it is to say that it sucks (I’m open to levity).